Christmas Tears

What I love about art is that it helps bring words to feelings. I think for me, my favorite form of art is music. I love listening to a song and then having this wow moment when a lyric perfectly describes what I’ve been trying to find the words for.

These moments happen for me all the time. But the first time I listened to Kacey Musgrave’s Christmas album there was a big aha moment. You see, like many, the Christmas season is my favorite time of year, and Christmas itself is my favorite holiday. But like clockwork, every December I am always incredibly sad. So when I heard Kacey’s soft, gentle voice sing “Oh but Christmas, it always makes me cry”, well I cried and I smiled.

I have always loved Christmas. For those that celebrate, it’s hard not to. When you’re growing up, the Christmas season is the purest form of magic: presents, parties, sweets, Christmas lights, no school. Of course as you grow older, you realize that magic takes work and the Christmas experience is different without that childhood innocence. But no matter your age, Christmas is a fun and happy holiday, where most everyone seems a little nicer than usual.

I look forward to Christmas every year. I’m surrounded by friends and family. I eat tons of candy and bake homemade treats. I watch cheesy, feel-good movies. I get time off from work. I drive around and look at all the lights and décor. I sit in the corner of my couch drinking tea, admiring my Christmas tree. I witness the good in people.

But the older I’ve gotten, the sadder I’ve become during the holidays.

There’s no one thing that fills me with sadness. It’s usually very random things that hit me at the most inopportune times. The thought of someone spending the Holiday alone. Seeing someone living on the street. Hearing of someone getting sick or dying. The stress of work. A heartwarming advertisement that pulls on the heart strings.

More often than not, it’s the thought of another year over; another year closer to Christmas traditions becoming only memories as families grow and change; another year wondering if this is the last Christmas I’ll spend with my grandparents.

Perhaps it’s melancholy.

Perhaps it’s life’s unfairness on full display.

Perhaps it’s trying to cling to the nostalgia of Christmases past.

Or maybe it’s just the faded magic.

Some sadnesses can’t be fully explained. And they don’t need to. I like to think of it as a gentle reminder of our humanness. We are complex beings, with a vast amount of emotions and feelings and experiences. Sometimes there are clear reasons as to why you might be feeling the way you do, and other times there’s no explanation.

Sometimes the most human you can be is embracing your sadness during the “season of joy.”